liberte

2009-07-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

Hey peepz I'd be moving to lyricalmotion.wordpress.com ..

Do relink me and comment regularly!

2009-07-19T04:12:00.000-07:00

I bought a boxer for my dad's birthday this year lol. Bet he'd be surprised when he opens the box later.

Anyway, back to life.

I have a knack for searching for myself, like finding my true self. I'm in love with love itself, a hopeless romantic. I have rich emotions, most of the time positive. My favorite hobby is looking at strangers and try to analyze them. I get the most satisfaction when people look up to me for advice, and actually benefitting from it. I recharge my spiritual/emotional energy when I'm with my favourite people. I am an idealist. I'm a champion for causes I live for. I write in lyrical. I believe in God. I won't go against my value system. I dance. All in all, I'm an ENFP.

Bet you dunno all these.

1 year 2 months more till I ord. Thats like a slow stroll in the desert. Gosh It looks tough.

I really crave for a soulmate cum a dance partner. Intro suitable candidates to me please!

Oh yea below is my birthday wishlist for year 2009:

1. Sexy Diamond Shirt/Trucker Cap/Berms (average of $70+)

2. Furry belt from Revoltage ($45.60)

3. A leather bag pack. It must be unique, durable, trendy. (Price unknown)

4. JBL portable Ipod speakers ($138)

5. CK boxers ($40)

6. Really cool sneakers, from Adidas, Nike, Puma or New Balance (average of $120 - $150)

7. For people close to my heart to celebrate that day with me!

8. A birthday card with sincere words you wanna tell me.

9. To dance like a pro, soon! hahahaha

10. To ORD!!

11. Books: The time traveller's wife, Blink!

12. DVDs of Japanese dance crews like WCO(wrecking crew ochestra)

13. Step up II DVD, movie poster

14. Old School Style towel sold at Oschool ($16)

Now you cant complain you don't know what to get! heehee.

2009-07-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

Ok this is my new skin! I like it. clean, sleek, portrays who I am.

Dance really makes up who I am. Its like an unspoken language of mine.

K then I need to book in soon. sian..

I'd be updating soon. Stay tuned =)

2009-06-21T03:06:00.000-07:00

Nowadays Im either too preoccupied, or too lazy to blog.

I bought a few things off my must get list. They include billy jealousy abs burner cream (lol), hair clay among other things.

The GSS is crazy shit. I managed to hunt a $15 jeans from club marc and $17.70 broad shorts from puma.

I almost lost my wallet on friday. Thank God this kind soul found it and informed my Staff Sergeant about it. I must thank him personally tomorrow.

Oh! I'm on a crusade to salvage my abs. I must divide them equally into 8 strong nations! hehe

Well, those are the highlights of my life now. And I made a stupid mistake. Pray that I can rectify it.

2009-05-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

After being through many tribulations in life, especially army, I've learnt what's the most important thing to me.

Thats unconditional love. Love that accepts you for who you are, even when your ugly self is exposed. That selfless love that puts others before yourself.

These are just vain & haughty words, unless you've experienced it.

Yes, just like the prodigal son. Reflecting back, I'm the exact carbon print of that prodigal son. I've never conformed, and I love living out life for myself, seldom heeding the tried and tested methods.

However, whenever I face setbacks in life, when life is harsh, I know who I can turn to. I know who will never say, sorry Im busy or never close their doors to me.

They can only be your family. I've never realised this fact. I almost always take them for granted. This being said, I will learn to cherish and love them back more.

There is this unspoken promise. A promise that they will always be there for you.

I'm thankful for a wholesome family. A place where nothing is lacking, a place where we go through thick and thin together.

Teach me, Oh Lord. What it means by if man can give his son this much, how much more can the Heavenly father bless his child with.

I'm still crippled with fear. Fear that I'd not survive in one piece, fear that I'm inadequate.

My comforter, my shelter and protector. Please don't ever let me go. I don't think I'd survive without you.

Friendship can only withstand the test of time if it grows to be like a family.

2009-05-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

Ok back to reality. Im contented with my life now, but am chewing my nails, anticipative of what's to come.

I'm not the slightest bit excited though.

-The beatles come to mind now.

Let it be, let it be, let it be.

I'm assured that God will not place me anywhere that will injure myself again.

2009-05-05T06:24:00.000-07:00

A tribute to her.

Everytime I look at your photos, it reminds me that something good has happened to me. Seeing you in bliss makes me smile now.

They always say love does not mean possession. I finally understand now.

& perhaps I shouldnt set you as the benchmark. Not many can match up. You're still the best I've had.

Through these years many have come and gone, but memories that linger in my head are still the sweetest.

Oh its true. The 1st will never leave your head. Like the first time I glimpsed upon a rainbow in the sky.

I bless you, and your family now, a great many good years ahead. You'd be the best mother, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

With much much love.

2009-04-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

Finally I'm relieved of the pits of Seletar camp. No more mosquitoes and f-up superiors, not to mention faulty facilities.

It's a dream come true. Well, I hope it stays this way for a long long time. I won't mind if I ORD this way! haha.

It's a lonely night. Damn warm too. Oh, there's a football fanatic screaming GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! I feel like replying to his wails. Shut up, bitch.

I'm still v sian =(

2009-04-02T01:44:00.000-07:00

Well, Im quite glad that I'm blessed with 5 days of rest. Thank God, for this much needed recuperation.

Bring me to the fountain of life, and restore me. Let me live a life of fulfillment, not dreading every single morning that I wake up to. Hear my prayer O Lord.

Nonetheless, I've watched Step Up II TWICE! Something that I've been wanting to do for a long while. I was mesmerized by the dance, and the passion they portrayed in that movie.

Secondly, I've finally finished all the loose ends for the SMU application. Im not really worried about this year's application, because it's not in my control. haha

Here's an update of what I've been up to for these past 5 days. Wake up, watch some animes, have a few games of dota, take my meals (not that regular though)
& try to spend some quality time with my family ( in front of the tv. heh) and of course pray and spend time with God.

Let my prayers be heard and answered, I plead of you God.

2009-04-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt how is it like to be engulfed by fear? That sense of uncertainty that surrounds me, resulting in me worrying to no end.

How? Will I get out of course? Will i get confined? What will my next step in army be? Will I get a recourse? Will it be as bad as it is now?

I need peace.

Why does all my recent posts sound so gloomy and hopeless?

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Pray for me, people. I truly want to believe in that. Free me from my sins now, and let me live a live thats worthy to be called a prince of God.

2009-03-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

Someone once told me its ok to fall. Its ok to be imperfect. To fail.

& to be fragile and vulnerable.

Such are the traits I do not desire, as it represents signs of weakness.

But if I was perfect I wouldnt need God.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2009-03-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

Somehow fear encompasses my heart.

Its an utterly dreadful feeling.

Faith. Only faith can overcome this fear of uncertainty.

Humanly I need to know if I can stride over this hurdle. Im scared. Like a little child wrapping his knees in that corner of the room.

What is it truly about? Self worth? Recognition? Rank? Money?

After going through these experiences in VTW, I've decided that none of those appeal to me anymore.

I just want to please God, and rest assure in His promise that he'd rescue me, as long as I believe.

No more lies.. To achieve my goals through unscrupulous means or with God's righteous ways?

Salvage me

2009-03-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Im desperate. I need salvation, and solutions.

Im losing the battles against integrity, against my own principles.
To survive, or rather pursue an easier life in Ns, I've schemed and plotted.

Im tired. help

2009-03-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

Life has taken a toll on me. The core of my very being detests NS. If welfare ever existed in my training now, I wouldnt abhor it this much.

Is it just my attitude? Is my mind weak? I may have really faced a brick wall that Im too overwhelmed to overcome.

I need support, especially from my loved ones.

Most of all, I need a new perspective. I need a break.

2009-02-22T20:48:00.001-08:00

6 hours till I have to leave for camp.

Albeit a short break, I'm still delighted to have this short break off the Ns life, a breather. If feelings could be measured, I reckon I have many litres of pent up frustration, loneliness, helplessness and what not.

Life seems like a dread. What do I look forward to? waking up at 5.15 am, rushing down just to wait. Then after waiting we be like rats rushing for cover. Nonsensical.

Jialat ah. How to remain positive?

Maybe I've been too idealistic, watched too many shows about love. At this age, Im beginning to wonder when will SHE appear? Someone who'd accept me wholly, who'd well, essentially love me.

Ok la. I believe she'd pop up when I least expect it and blow me off. SOON, I hope. hahahahahaha

2009-02-22T04:00:00.000-08:00

Is it a state of mind? I went to TTSH to get medical leave, part of the reason is because of my throat, some of it is because I have not had a good rest since my graduation from BSLC.

Im losing motivation in army. To me, this trainee phase has been way too long, and all I do is to pass through the motion. Will I be a good Sergeant to my men? Can I lead by example and serve with love?

Lord, help me sort these thoughts out. My mind is in a mess. Set me free from the bondage of Sin. Let me start afresh.

Condemnation. Let the revelation of God's love and peace be with me, so I can overcome the adversities of life.

2009-01-23T08:16:00.000-08:00

I had a field camp this week, which spells the end of week 5 in BSLC. Well, basically I was trained to leap over a drainage( omgbbqkn***b) I fell into that hole once in the dawn. My leap of faith landed me into an embarassing and painful position.

We rushed to wait, and waited to rush again. Enough of NS. Ask me if you're interested in my boring world of vegetation, carbon and metal.

I had the chance to catch up with a dear friend today. Chances like these are rare nowadays. To my surprise, she told me she was attached. The shock set in when she revealed that he was not a christian.

Interlude:
Well, she was, and I hope still is, a fervent believer. She advocated strongly against getting a non-believer boyfriend last time. However you may argue and twist it, I still think its wrong. Converting him? Sticking to your covenant? Making a stand? Not being influenced? Haha.

Although this incident does not affect me directly, I'm still stumbled in the sense that I'm witnessing people leaving/changing church, in a wrong relationship.

However I may suppress it, I know very well that there's a boy inside of me, craving for love, for attention, for affirmation, for security. Decisions that I make often are influenced by those needs. Its like desperately trying to reach for something vague. I dont even know where to start.

My heart yearns and aches, for someone that I can share my thoughts with freely, to tell me off when Im not doing the right things.

There's a 1001 things I hate about myself. Im slow, complacent, arrogant, lazy, quick to flare up or get irritated, indifferent, rude.

Set me free from these emotional shackles God, let me know you're still there.

2009-01-16T21:22:00.000-08:00

I've had fun, I've suffered and I've pulled through, yet another week at SISPEC.

SAW(Section Automatic Weapon) firing, Exercise Gypsy(navigation) are the highlights this week.

I felt like rambo when I fired that machine gun myself. Boys with guns. I loved feeling armed and dangerous.

Oh do you know where the word Hor-Lan originated from? I've been enlightened that the hokkiens were certain that HOLLAND is a place far far away, and associated HOLLAND with being lost and Ta-dah, when you're lost, you say, "shit. hor lan".

Condolences to Sharin, for falling off the low ramp in an awkward position, and is now suspected to have torn his ligament. He is limping at home now, with a 2 weeks MC. Confirmed Out of Course.

Another comrade Shao Qi, is now known as Shu Qi because of his voluptuous lips. He was stung by a wasp during exercise gypsy and his lips swelled beyond recognition. MMMMM.. if you wanna see some photos, i will kindly show it to you. Im not mean enough to post it here. Lol.

On another note, I hope that I'd recover my true self. Its hidden away somewhere deep in the recesses of me.

2009-01-04T02:01:00.000-08:00

I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive. I need to stay positive.

Another unforseen event happened on friday night. Out of nowhere, my eyes got infected, this infection is also known as conjuvititis. I had eye dirt oozing out of my eye, and tiny red veins overwhelmed my eye ball. A disgusting sight.

I ran my way to the medical center, got detained for the night at the isolation ward. I've not felt as lonely for a long time. A six bed ward, with only one of me.

Thus, my plans were screwed yet again. I could not fulfill my duty as the COS. I reckon I'm doing it on the 17th. The duty just got postponed. Argh.

Camp pass, eye infection. Whats next? Why do I feel like shit in camp?

There's this aching in my heart that wont go away.

2008-12-31T21:04:00.000-08:00

7 pounds is a depressing show. Ask me if you're curious and not watching the show, and I'd gladly tell you the whole story. It centers around Will Smith, who pretends to be someone he's not. (heehee) The whole show would have crumbled if not for him.

Im having mood swings these days, especially when I entered SISPEC. The screwed up system, the inhumane training (well it's pretty endurable, but you got to be strong mentally). I basically sleep on an average of 5 1/2 hours, on lucky days 6.

5bx has a new component now. The 3km run, which will be intensified weekly. Eventually we'll be wearing our standard battle order ( Helmet, Load Bearing Vest, Long 4 & SAR21 rifle). Note that we run almost as soon as we are rudely awaken by our alarm clock(s).

The climax this week was me losing my camp pass, which essentially means that I'd have to pay 50 bucks for a plastic card, and sign extra duty, which falls on CNY eve, 7am-7pm.

Things are looking bleak for me. The only saving grace are my bunk mates. Alas, the real training is yet to be. Oh yes, did I mention that I'm the COS this sat, and I can only book out sunday morning, booking in sunday night.

I wish there's someone who can light up my gloomy heart now. I wish that God is more prevalent in my life. I wish that I can break the bondages that bind me.

How? Enlighten me.

2008-12-27T03:01:00.000-08:00

Im fat and lazy.

Im a couch potato!

Im lazy to even get out of my house to gym.

JIALAT!

My physical fitness has dropped, rather drastically.

JIALAT!

GYM MORE!

2008-12-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

Oh, when will I get to enjoy the privilege of sleeping at 5am, waking up at the whim of my choice, and doing whatever I want?

In approximately less than 48 hours I'd be enslaved to the NS system again, living the life of a puppeted soldier. This time, I'd be training to be a sergeant, as depicted by my blog title.

I've heard enough about SISPEC, about how screwed up it is. I just pray for good company, people whom I can relate to this time and people whom I can get along with well.

As time flows by, changes are inevitable. However, in this process, I hope that some things can still be preserved. Memories will keep comforted in the lonely army nights.

If only I have the answers to the mysteries of life...

I know I need faith. Faith in God. Something that will keep me anchored, values that will protect me, cause I know the future is teemed with uncertainties.

Why do life seem so meaningless and dull? Instant grantifications only satisfy me temporarily. What am I exactly searching for?

2008-12-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

POP next tuesday! All the tears, sweat, grind, sleepless nights, tough moments of BMTC is all going to be bygones.

Im losing my faith. Starting to wonder when it all started and when it will end. My life is like drifting aimlessly in the desert, the heat draining me of my energy, just walking, walking.

End of BMT. Where to next?

Everyday shag. Today shag, tomorrow shag, everyday shag. Thy is the NS life.

I dont doubt that I've grown. Alas. For better or worse?

2008-11-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

Life hasnt been a bed of roses, but I've learnt to deal with it, with the help of 4 words. LLST, which translates into lan lan suck thumb. Life goes on, trust me.

I have mixed feelings about the field camp. In a way I can deal with the physical training, the dirt, grind sweat and whatever the jungle throws at me. The tricky part is the community you live it. The air fills with tension everytime people are tired and we need to carry on training.

In a way, I managed to overcome this field camp, with a lil help here and there.

NS changes every man that goes through the baptispm. The only difference is whether it makes or breaks you. For me, I'm determined to not be fearful and attempt to give my 100%.

I miss church, I miss being close to God, I miss the people that matter to me, I miss my old way of life. Alas, there is a season for everything.

(PS: a note to my ever dearest diaper buddy(ies)- Dont binge, stay healthy, and remain hopeful. Miss you(s) ) !

2008-10-12T03:08:00.000-07:00

Everyday in camp is another day to look forward to, because its one day nearer to book out day.

Everyday I waste time just bumming around, playing chinese chess, talking cock, and sitting in the foyer just to wait for further instructions. In between all these, there are some trainings which include route march, dumbell pt, 30-60 and ability group runs.

1.5 hour more to board 88 and head to pasir ris, where I'd see my buddies again.

Damn sian.

I think I should be more understanding to one darling of mine. Maybe she's really occupied, and uni life is hectic. Sometimes I really wanna see her, and Im willing to spend some of my precious weekend with her. Yet I know I shouldnt be selfish. Not everything in life is satisfactory, not everything is smooth sailing.

I just hope, that you'd learn to speak up. Telling me your difficulties will help me understand what you're going through in life. I miss being part of your life, I miss being someone important to you.

At the end of the day, I just wanna say I still love you, in spite of all these. Tell me if you feel the same way =)

2008-09-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

I feel fked up now, because I realised I have to book in later in the night.

I'm still having slight flu, with some phlgem. This is great, just great. After training like F last week, I felt f-ing lethargic due to my flu. I had to endure and pull through and not claim my status simply because I was the platoon IC and it wouldnt look good on me.

There's only 1 reason I use vulgarities. I need to vent some frustrations. If its all pent up I might just go berserk.

Perhaps I'd never be who I was again. Albeit having an open mind and able to endure the trainings and punishments, I still dread NS, and the thought of only having 1 rest day a week. Then again, which NSF doesnt?

I hope I still have some motivation to go church. The family has officially fallen apart, and I'm numb to it. After knowing the reason my leader left, I cant help but feel f-ed up. He left because he felt rejected? wtf. Should I give him the benefit of doubt?

Trials, changes, uncertainties. Where is God? I have all the model answers in my head. I just dont know how to apply them. How now?

Wanted to delete what I'd written but decided to just let it be there. It's better to air my already burdened heart.

2008-09-29T06:52:00.000-07:00

Greetings.

It's been 2 weeks since my last post. Im enjoying my short break from NS. My confinement period was a dreadfully long 17 days.

I've never washed my own clothes in my whole life, cleaned the toilet or lived with so many guys for a prolonged period of time. FYI, Im tanned to the extend that I reckon that I'm over roasted.

Regimentation is a 180 degree transition from the life i used to live. I appreciate and cherish my time more, my freedom, my bed, my parents and especially my mom.

This is only the start of my army life. I must learn to remain positive, and believe that I'd pull through, to become a better man. 2 years 2 years 2 years 2 years 2 years 2 years 2 years 2 years!

Things change, when you are in army. People change. Perhaps those close to me might not be as close anymore. Perhaps.

2008-09-07T09:34:00.000-07:00

Hello readers! I'm 20 years and 8 days old now.

I had a great birthday celebration which did not start off too well cause of my dad, but let's skip the lousy details shall we.

I ended up at sentosa with leb, yi, joy and sianghui. I was nicely baked, not overcooked, and it only started raining for 20 minutes after we decided to stop playing. It's as if God is purposely holding the rain back for us. =D Had marche at vivo's for dinner and ended with mahjong at sh's place.

Lets see. This year I've got 2 ang baos, 1 bling bling aviator shades with stars necklace, 1 HARDGAY cap, 1 nike lionheart shirt and 1 hot as FCUK shirt.

My hair would be shaved off my head in 4 days time and my freedom would be robbed forcefully away from me. I'd be disconnected from the internet 5 days a week, I cant game for 5 days a week, plus I wont be able to spot any girls(eye candies), except for canteen ladies and the calefare(what nots).

Instead, I'd be seeing heads that look like toilet brushes and lush forestation. Did I mention that I'd be having cold showers every night cause tekong lacks water heaters? (PS: DONT DROP THAT BAR OF SOAP!) My new (love) girl friend would be my rifle(M16) and I'd be looking forward to every friday because it's bookout day. The shopping mall I'm going to frequent most for the next 3 months will be WHITE SANDS because I need to take MRT to and fro there.

I will attempt to conceal my bald head with a cap everytime Im donned in my CIVILIAN clothing and pretend that I'm not carrying a GREEN ns identification card in my wallet.

Every girl that I see on weekends will all turn into kristen dunsts, fiona xies, jennifer anistons, liu yi feis because pretty female species are almost non existant in camps, except those on the magazines that we bring in camp to console ourselves.

IM SOOOOOOOO LOOKING FORWARD TO MY NEW NS LIFE! AS A CHAO RECRUIT!

2008-08-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

I have a sudden crave, to dance in a club before i SHAVE, and just see guys all around me =( .

Counting down everyday, to my birthday and enlistment date. 14 days to enlistment. shit its just 2 weeks. and 2 days to my birthday! Im going to be in between a boy and a man.

Wa. Im very sian. Sian until I cant be bothered to type in proper english.

How do I describe this feeling? I shall name it PRE NS DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS. I am not feeling enthusiastic about enlisting.

Looking forward to the various dates and outings with my friends!

I miss dancing. Its like a part of me is deprived. Its a void, a vaccum.

2008-08-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

Chris is under viral attack again.

Feeling weak, spinning head and sore throat are just part of the package.

1 week of my civilian life robbed from my already limited timespan is excruiciating.

For the mirage of feelings that I feel, I feel like crap now.

Can anyone make me feel better? =(

2008-08-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

A brickwall is not meant to stop you from achieving what you desire. It only stops those who doesnt want it bad enough, or those who stop trying.

Alas, I've met my most formidable match. On the verge of giving up though, cause I cannot fathom the mysterious you.

Ok, enough talking in riddles. I finally went on a DATE with caleb! and of cause my most huggable darling yi. I was baked under the hot sun watching the participants of SUNTEC dance until they finally arrive 1 hour later.

I was amazed at the talent and effort the dancers put in, and yes, I was INSPIRED.

Fast forward--------------> & then we had dinner at FISH & CO. Im in love with their thinly sliced, well covered with bread crumbs and fried to golden perfection CALAMARI. I had the New York Fish and Chips.(No pictures taken though)

Watched the mummy, tomb of the dragon emperor. Well, lets just say I perfer the previous episodes. There was a hint that the next mummy will be filmed in PERU. Gosh, will they ever run out of tricks? 3/5 popcorn rating!

Service and FOP later! YATAAAAAAAA!

2008-07-28T21:49:00.001-07:00

In my own inadequate nature, I falter. Time and time again when I've set my heart to chase after the Lord I fail because Im not close to him. I choose to do everything else, and never really spend quality time with Him.

Forgive me again, dear God. Forgive this sheep of yours.

Let this not be just lip service.

THE DARK KNIGHT LATER! I feel so noob. Everyone in singapore has watched it except me. =(

2008-07-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

I've finally graduated from HipHop II. Shall post a few photos of my group.

Some thoughts after the graduation. I wasnt one of the 5 who was selected for the final showcase =(. Was a tad disappointed initially, but deep down I know I've improved and I'd never stop, as long as I can dance. Loving dance more and more and more!

Well, nothing much happened yesterday except dance, and my dry throat is irritated right now. Mmm..

ok now for pics!

2008-07-25T11:16:00.000-07:00

I just came back from TPDE's Chasing dreams concert! It was dope! I went, cause of dance and to witness the prowless of TPDE. Travelling to the far end of the island was not a wasted trip.

It always inspire me to dance whenever I see dancers who pour in their soul to perfect that chereography. It's not the music, chereography or presentation. It's the passion that drives dancers to dance.

I don't understand, can't fathom the labyrinth of the intricacies of a girl. (Please note, I'm not referring to any specific individual. This is just my 2 cents worth) They're warm and fuzzy one moment, and cold as ice the next. And so, I began my search for answers. Quote from Cheryl: "Dunno, girls are just like that."

-Shrugs. If a girl gives me a reply like this, what more can I draw from thy vague answer? I used to think I'm a pro at communicating, especially with my female counterparts, since I have 2 sisters at home. It has FINALLY dawned upon me............

I've failed, and failed terribly at it.

Dance graduation tomorrow! I pray hard, really really hard, that I'd be able to clear my NAPFA and finish hip hop 3 before I enlist and shave my crown of glory =(

2008-07-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

Fill this vacuum of mine. Why do I constantly search for something to fill that void when the only solution is God?

Alas, contentment seems elusive.

The pangs of growing up. Perhaps my heart is still not found. Let me find it, and learn more about it. Teach me, O Lord, how to please you and how I can quench that thirst. For love, for power, for adventure.

Another boring day.
Let me not waste any more days of my CIVILIAN life. =(

2008-07-20T06:08:00.000-07:00

God doesnt lay the red carpet all the time when you need to cross a certain path in your life. You have to get your feet wet first, as a first step of faith, before God will show you his power.

Well, I believed I've plowed the ground, laid the seeds. Daddy daddy, please do the rest and let me teach me what you want me to learn in this season.

Love, does not expect anything in return. It's joy unspoken when you know you've blessed someone.

So today I've attended 2 services, and ate until i was as bloated as a whale during my daddy's birthday dinner. Happy 46th dad! Though you probly won't read this. lol.

-smiles. PRACTISE MORE!

2008-07-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

A boy goes through a few phases of roles in his life. From a cowboy to a warrior, then lover to king and then sage.

I only have 2 goals now. To become a warrior passoniate about God's business and to sweep my princess off her feet.

In my heart lies adventure, passion and the need to conquer. These thirsts can only be quenched by God and I know very well how I can be distracted by the counterfeits the world offer.

Indeed, monogamy is not the definition of manliness in this world. But God's definition is fidelity and steadfastness to only the woman that is created, custom tailored for him.

When I someday know who she is, I'd be ready, and I'd capture that most precious gift that's waiting for me.

For now, may my heart be strong, and meek. Prepare me, for the days that lie ahead of me dear God, for that is my prayer.

2008-07-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

A night with soft breeze waltzing to the melody of the soft ballads never fail to set me thinking.

Wide and paved is the road of destruction. Narrow and lonely is the path of salvation. Those who tries to keep it for himself will lose it. Those who lose it for his name's sake will gain it. Why is the faith that lead us to the father arduous?

The Beatitude (Matthew 5 : 3-10)

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Teach me, O Lord, to not be in want, because you are my sherperd. and to recognise your voice when You gently call out to me.

2008-07-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

Is it naive for me to hope for some things to last? Memory reminds me of the people who mattered, but vanished, or faded into the vagueness of time.

Yet I'm nothing but glad to embrace the people who wants to be a part of my life.

Alas, God is the one at the helm, not me.

Like a little child, I'm excited yet apprehensive, for I'm uncertain of the future.

Thank God for Jolyn! =) my new best friend. heh

On a side note, I attended a workshop by some jap guy today(can't remember his name). It was fabulous, except that I couldnt catch up. I wanna be a great dancer, someday.

2008-07-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

I bought myself new plug-in ear phones today!

Been driving(learning) pretty much recently and I love the feeling of being in control. This sense of power... Somehow I feel that I've been craving for it, and it's never satisfying.

Alas, that's my achilles' heel. Losing control is like free wheeling, the car just might crash.

Sorry for the random thoughts being filled in.

I cant wait for lyrical hiphop on thursday!

So I'd stand, with arms high and hearts abadoned.
After all these years, all I can offer to you Lord, is this broken rag that I am.
Help me fight a good fight, and not fall when temptations creep in.

2008-07-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm pretty satisfied with my daily routine. Drive, tuition, dance, chill with my homies (lol) and the mischellaneous stuff.

Forgive me for my inadequecy. I complain sometimes, have this bored look on my face, but I enjoy your company, yes, very much so. Perhaps I have learned to protect myself with cynism, and trying to thaw the ice box takes time.

As a person, I have failed many friends by not meeting their expectations. I admit, I don't live to please everyone. It doesnt bother me much, cause I know as long as conscience doesnt nag at me, I'm fine.

All I have to say is, I'm sorry that I don't posses a big heart. I can't love everybody. However, I do try my utmost for that selected few.

Oh, thanks for dancing with me today, and for the time spent. I believe that love is spelled T-I-M-E too. =)

2008-06-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

First post since I've changed the look of my blog.

As usual, my life is mundane, filled with the regular tuition, dance and random outings. The passion of dance is burning brighter now, and Im putting more effort in pracitising! =)

Just wanna dance while I can, before I enlist into Tekong.

Condolences to Evelyn. Life is unpredictable. It just hit me again how we are not in control of our own lives.

Today is tuesday~ I hope it wont be a boring one.

2008-06-16T03:23:00.000-07:00

Trip to sentosa was one of the best time I ever had in a long time. Apologises for arriving 30 minutes late. That was mainly due to my bed. I couldnt wake up in time.

& so after having lunch at Carl's Junior and getting some Kettle's chips we set off to Siloso beach.

We had a pint of hoegarden each at Cafe Delmar, and the 3 of us shared a tanning BED. -squeals. Epitomy of GAYNESS. & there were 3 transformers beside us, if you get my gist.

We especially fancied the pool at the cafe. The 3 of us enjoyed ourselves, abeit being "overcooked".

Beach = Sun, Sea, Sand, Beer and of cause hot babes. Need I explain more?

Note: No pictures taken while at Delmar, cause our hands were smeared with tanning lotion.

2008-06-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

Life has been either too mundane or too dull. Thats the reason for not blogging.
I have nothing much interesting to rant about.

KO night was dope. The dancers improved, even those on the brink of losing managed to wow me. Afterall, dance is not about who's the best. It's just about enjoying yourself, and showcasing the passion you have in dance. Thats whats so intrinsically attractive about dance.

Practise more, and overcome the fear or rejection and loss of security. Being an IS person is exasperating. I still habour the dream of becoming a great dancer someday.

Mmm I missed church AGAIN. Probly cause I found it too early, nobody's going and I had no motivation. sighs.

2008-06-02T05:47:00.000-07:00

An out-of-sorts post.

Everything is vague. Everyone is trying to sell me their idea of satisfaction. The world and the church. It's like buying the perfect insurance.

Mmmm.

SAT in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Im pretty much contented, to have just one confidante in life. Indeed true friends are as important as your other half.

Skipped service today, cause leb slept incessantly and resulted in me fuming for abt an hour. Sometimes I have an impression that he doesnt really bother, but I know army's tiring and the bed's lure is tempting.

Albeit all that, Im still thankful I have a brother like him. I've learnt that you cant always be there for someone, you can only try.

Life can try to overturn you, but a healed bone is always stronger than before. =)

2008-05-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

Wala! I have successfully ran out of things to do. Staring at the monitor, eating, sleeping, worrying about who to ask or what to do for the day is all I do.

This kinda motivates me to get a job. However SAT is approaching and I still have yet to sign up at SSDC. If there's one skill I've honed so far, it would be the art of procrastinating.

Why am I turning into a SLOTH? I've been asking God lately about what more life can offer. Wandering about aimlessly is really quite depressing sometimes.

I yearn to be someone useful!

2008-05-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was both heaven and hell to me. Being reunited with my 2 buddies and enjoying an absolutely fun evening, but only returning to read a rejection letter from SMU. Before I harp about my disappointment and how I'm going to deal with it, here's evidence of the fun-ness.

I've watched Made of Honour, and I would give it 3.5 stars. It's definitely worth the watch! Love the goofy, yet all so sweet and endearing female lead. My type of girl!

Personal record, breaking the machine's previous high score, 418 @ stage 4

Mmm wonder how long he took to spike his hair.

In life, especially education, I find it tough to digest that I'm always rejected by my desired schools. I was first rejected by Catholic High (Primary), Marketing in NYP, and now, first rejection from SMU.

How to remain positive, still praise God, trust that he has a plan for me? When nothing much has worked out for me in this area. The despair and helplessness that engulfed me yesterday. argh.

My prayer is that I'd be able to praise God, trust him and not slip into sin when I feel like crap. It feels so good after getting all these pent up feelings off my chest.

Ahh..

2008-05-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

Dance was D.O.P.E! Though I was a lil tardy in the first performance. Alas! An An commented that I improved! Having approval from someone you look up to is estatic. Nothing beats that.

Me, An An & Wei Ting

I'm looking forward to Raggae 3 and Hip Hop 2. Someday, I'd be a dance instructor too. Perfection comes with pure hard work. Talent alone won't bring you far.

Mmm, life has been pretty uneventful this week. Mundane, in a nutshell.

Would anyone kindly recommend a temp job and good books to read?

2008-05-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

I guess I choose to ignore the bitterness of rejection and failure whenever they hit me. Brushing them aside will simply accumulate and this grude will grow, subconciously. Perhaps I'm suppressing them.

We all know what we want. But do we know what God whats for us? Is it viable? Tangible? Ahh.. The stigma of dreams. To pursue or not to pursue. That's the million dollars question.

Im thrown off my feet. Not at peace, due to the heaviness in my heart. This statement still haunts me. "Perhaps it's time for you to think about what God wants you to do".

Contentment does not come easy. A brief encounter with a classmate yesterday night filled me with envy.

Why? How?

On a brighter note, I'm blessed with another great friend. =)

2008-05-09T06:51:00.000-07:00

Somehow I cant find the right template that suits my likings. & the creative juices are not flowing. Thus this template still stands.

Ok back to my life. I've been rejected by the B and J people, which means I won't be scooping icecream and working with cute babes. & no live band while I'm working. Tsk.

I pray that I can fulfill my dream of becoming a dance instructor before I work next time. Seeing it to realization.

Hopes & Dreams.

2008-05-05T05:06:00.000-07:00

Im in need of a new blog. This is too stale. and memoryofy? lol.

Im thinking of a new blog address. Sergeant Beefcake.blogspot.com

Hows that? Heh heh.

Breaking out of the mould, changing thy mindset.

2008-04-27T10:06:00.000-07:00

Gosh it's the end of April already. I thought I've just blinked my eyes.

Sleeping late, waking up late, going for tuition, playing dota and dancing. I skip breakfast, sometimes lunch and go out with friends, if anyone of them is willing to spend some time with me.

Yes, I'm used to it. My "close" friends are perpetually busy, and thus I don't really bother asking them out anymore cause the answer always turn out the same. What kind of love is only available when you're free? I wonder.

Pslam 119 tomorrow. The hardcore 107 verse pslam. God, please show me the way back.

2008-04-14T09:01:00.001-07:00

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.
You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.
Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.
You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller!

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.
You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts.

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.
You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's" Your Personality Type?

Ahh yes, this is my personality profile.

Anyway, I have just finished a camp and it was really fulfilling. I'd share with those who are closer to me, simply because I'm too lazy to post everything up here. Guess I'd post photos in my next entry.

2008-04-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

Today's topic is: What is God?

God
–noun
1.
the one Supreme Being, the creator and ruler of the universe.
2.
the Supreme Being considered with reference to a particular attribute: the God of Islam.
3.
(lowercase) one of several deities, esp. a male deity, presiding over some portion of worldly affairs.
4.
(often lowercase) a supreme being according to some particular conception: the god of mercy.
5.
Christian Science. the Supreme Being, understood as Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Principle.
6.
(lowercase) an image of a deity; an idol.
7.
(lowercase) any deified person or object.
8.
(often lowercase) Gods, Theater.
a.
the upper balcony in a theater.
b.
the spectators in this part of the balcony. –verb (used with object)
9.
(lowercase) to regard or treat as a god; deify; idolize. –interjection

If our understanding of God is beyond a shadow of a doubt, why are there so many definitions of God?

Secondly, there is one doubt that has been a mystery since I've confessed that Jesus is my savior.

If God is omnipotent, and he can foretell the future, why is there a tree of good and evil? And why is it placed in such a location where it is easily seen? Can that be considered as temptation?

So the bible states that we are creatures who is bestowed the breath of life, created in the image of the Almighty. So why did God allow the tree to be planted in the Garden of Eden, and send Jesus to be tramautised and brutally tormented thousands of year later?

So is faith blind? Belief in the uncertain and hope for life everlasting after your physical death.

Perhaps its the christians around me who've made me skeptical. Perhaps it's just me.

Alas, it's easier to just shrug my shoulders and walk away.

I still want to believe. yea I do.

2008-03-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

I've just finished watching Supersized me at 2.47am.

WOLS. Yea I know. I've always wanted to watch this intriguing documentary where the protaganist undergoes an extreme experiment on eating nothing but McDonalds for 30 days. It almost resulted in liver failure, gained 20 pounds and he was feeling depressed and unhappy when he was deprived of his McDonald's.

Healthy food and more exercise! and less calories(carbs and sugar) than what I really need.

Anyway, I'm glad I still have my guys backing me up on my previous entry. Haha. A glimmer of hope for friendship. haha

My passion for dance is growing. Twist, sit, twist, sit.

I've deleted WarCraft from my com. No more indulging in DOTA.
More time for dance, mugging for SAT, and doing what's supposed to be done.

2008-03-25T08:30:00.001-07:00

Been up to nothing constructive lately. I feel disconnected to the cell group, or I should say mainly the girls.

Somehow I feel let down, disappointed when people are just too preoccupied with their own lives and you are like some used doll, chucked aside. Maybe I'm not secured enough to keep trusting. Everyone has different stages, or seasons in their lives. Well, right now I just want to cherish those who matter to me.

People come, people go. Even those who leave footprints will eventually...

It's closing in to April now, and its about approximately 2 or 3 months before I serve the nation.

SAT, Dance and registration for SMU.

This jaded feeling, let it go away.

2008-03-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

LOL. - with reference to jun hao's email.

I give thanks, whether I get into SMU or not. However, I'd still do my best for my SAT, and keep praying until that miracle happens. I claim my spot in SMU by FAITH.

I'm happy, after today's dance lesson, though my body is aching terribly after yesterday's house session with JK and Raggae today at Oschool. Hip Hop at Oschool on sat!!

2008-03-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

A thousand apologises will not cleanse me of the sins I've commited.

Even though you've blessed me indefintely I'm not contented.

A for Attachment, B+ for TEP. Wonderful results, some might say. But a gpa of 2.865 would not suffice for a slot in SMU. Sighs. I really wished the peace would not be a temporary one.

Calm this tempest and let me feel the reality of the cross.

2008-03-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

It sucks to realise that I'm not superman. Im not invincible. I cant get hurt and not bleed.

Alas, its difficult to admit that I'm vunerable. The year of victory was not as victorious. The year of sabbath. Well, lets just say I'm more worn out than resting in God.

The final result is going to be released tomorrow, at 12am. To be point blank honest, I'm afraid. Of the results, of my future. Of whether God is going to bless me.

I used to think that friends last forever, but nobody can be there for you always, they are bound to disappoint you someday.

Subtely, I envy the non believers, I'm disappointed in God for all the blessings that I did not receive. Pastor Melvyn spoke what's deep in my heart. Yet this hardened heart refused to let the love of God seep in.

So what can I say?
What could I do?
But offer this heart, O God,
Completely, to You

All the fleeting pleasures

2008-03-12T02:29:00.001-07:00

Of all the fleeting pleasures and instant gratification the world offers, nothing is truly able to satisfy me for a long time.

How do I set my eyes upon what truly lasts and not get distracted?

I need help.

2008-03-07T02:48:00.000-08:00

I miss certain people.

My dreams are hanging over the edge of the cliff. Wonder if they're ever come to realization. I can't be at peace when I'm uncertain about the outcome and I have an inauspicious feeling.

Is this a test of faith? How am I supposed to believe that my future is secured?

Is prayer going to help? I'm desperate, willing to try anything.

Questions and Answers.

2008-03-02T21:18:00.001-08:00

Life is not as simple as I've used to imagine it to be.

Friendship, many times do not last forever. People come and go, sometimes taking a piece of your heart with them.

You feel let down, betrayed and disappointed at junctures, but at the end of the day, it can be summed up into 3 words. "Life goes on".

Everyone longs for something true, something that will stretch the limits of time. I pray that I'd be convinced otherwise and perhaps all those strained relationships will work out once more.

Growing up is alluring. All the freedom to make choices, less sheltered from the hands that protect you. But alas, more consequences to face and cynism to acumulate.

Its like callaus. Layers of hardened skin.

Is being child like truly possible? or is it some kind of distant myth?

2008-02-28T18:57:00.000-08:00

This current life is not what I've had in mind before I ended work.

Being strapped to the chair staring at the monitor day to night is like me hanging on to my dear life and the com is my life support system.

Whatever happened to dance more, driving lessons, run or swim everyday?

In the midst of all uncertainties and boredom, I pray that God will touch my heart again. It feels so cold and empty, especially when I need someone to talk to and no one's really there.

On a side note, Idleness is really the workshop of the devil.

Trust, pray, have faith that my future will be a good one and have more self control.

2008-02-26T08:29:00.000-08:00

The com seems to be my best friend these days. It greets me when I'm awake and kisses me good night. It's the only thing that's making my brain work. I'm turning into a full fledged geek.

I need a life. I've decided. No more dota until the 40 days fast is over. Should take a break to do more meaningful stuff.

Outing with the guys was a great catch up session. My brain is not functioning now.

Gonna bathe and crash. Nights buddies

2008-02-24T07:36:00.000-08:00

God really has his heart for me. I felt a tingling sensation when pastor Eugene mentioned that he had this picture of someone being accused, after doing his best. How eerily accurate is that?

The rock is finally lifted off my chest. I can breathe now.

Yays! Meeting Tania and Tiara tomorrow! =) Can't wait.

I love those twins

2008-02-22T05:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like downright trash. Nothing but failure in its purest sense.

Have you ever tried, but to be told that you did not put in your 100%? It's worse than someone kicking you in the nuts.

Ahh that accusation, shame, guilt and regret all rolled into one.

Shit happens altogether.

Bruised and battered. How am I going to pick myself up again?

It's so easy to wallow in shame. It takes a mountain of effort to pick yourself up.
All I'm left with is a seed of faith, and that dim glimpse of hope. One single chip is all I have. I'd stake it on God.

I dun have the mood to do anything, after I read that mail. It's akin to my world crumbling down. I didn't know I'm this fragile to begin with.

Angels. I need angels.

2008-02-20T18:07:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me a question yesterday night and it haunted me and left me thinking. "is it justified?"

Truth be told, I have no answer that. Would I go to such lengths for a friend? Perhaps I would.

Im like a kid, staring at the candy store, longing for that pretty lollipop. It's so near yet so far.

Am I holding on, to a replica pearl necklace? Why is it so hard to trust God in times of uncertainties? For the fear that nothing good will come out of it if we don't try?

Interview with God

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?”

God asked.
“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity.”

“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered...“That they get bored with childhood,

they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money...

and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future,

they forget the present, such that they live in neither

the present nor the future.”

"That they live as if they will never die,

and die as though they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine

and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons

you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone love them.

All they can dois let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good

to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgiveby practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds

to open profound wounds in those they love,

and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person

is not one who has the most,

but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are people who love them dearly,

but simply have not yet learned

how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can look at the same thing

and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they

forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else

you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,“Just know that I am here... always.”

-author unknown

2008-02-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

I have a newly accquired toy! The I-pod touch is fantastic. It has satisfied the little boy inside me who craves for novelties and toys.

Anyways, my life is teeming with things to do, even when I've graduated (unofficially), but I'm enjoying every minute of it. Right now my main aim is just to re connect with the people I've not spoken to in aeons and earn enough ka-ching to support my lifestyle.

Im so glad I've plucked out that little courage I have and called my boss and told him I wun be helping out in the company. Im relieved of my commitments and travelling so far, just to earn that 48 bucks a day.

Happy Birthday, sweethearts.

2008-02-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

I'm in absolutely no mood to work. What's worse is that time seem to be crawling. What a boring Valentine's day.

In the past few days, incidents, and even the shows I've watched carried the same message. "Don't live in the past any more". Though it's true that the past may be beautiful and precious, dwelling in it will only prevent me from living in the present.

What is love?

2008-02-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

I'm so much more relieved that this project has finally ended, after 3 arduous months. Today I've wasted 2 hours in front of the monitor doing nothing but reading blogs and surfing the net.

I feel really blessed now, thankful that I did not get my hands dirty. Well, I did not even touch contact management, which is tougher than what I was doing.

I'd be doing the weekly report for one last time tomorrow, then, au revoir, my internship.

Grateful to all my team mates and everyone who helped to make this project a success.

2008-02-08T18:32:00.000-08:00

3 years gone just in a flash. 2 years ago I was still complaining about the piling workload and wishing that school life would be over quickly.

So many issues still unsettled. University education, NS enlistment date (6-9 months time).

Why am I so sensitive when people ask me about my status? I always reply with, "ayah, nobody want me what". Sighs.

At the end of the day, romantic pursuits are side dishes compared to our destiny. I just pray that God will give my heart a CPR and revive it. Deposit that seed of faith into my heart again.

I want to stop searching for answers. I know God has it all. Let me just wait patiently on God and let the story unfold for itself. I'm pretty sure my story would be an adventure.

2008-02-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

Song I'm addicted to - Teardrops on my guitar, Taylor Swift

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see,

That I want and I'm needing, everything that we should be,

I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about,

And she's got ev'rything that I have to live without...

Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's so damn funny,

But I can't even see anyone when he's with me,

He says he's so in love, he's fin'lly got it right,

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus] He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,

The only thing that keeps me wishin' on a wishin' star,

He's the song in the car I keep singin', don't know why I do...

[Verse 1] Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?

And there he goes, so perfectly,

The kind of flawless I wish I could be,

She better hold him tight, give him all her love

Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause...

[Chorus] He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,

The only thing that keeps me wishin' on a wishin' star,

He's the song in the car I keep singin', don't know why I do...

[Bridge] So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light,

I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight...

[Chorus]

He's the time taken up, but there's never enough,

And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see...

I wished.

2008-02-01T01:23:00.000-08:00

At this moment I just feel like taking a vacation to somewhere far. A visit to my aunt in Carlifornia sounds good.

I need a break from all these. Being myself is not easy. Meeting expectations, shapeshifting to please people is not my cup of tea.

I remember telling friends that I'd never bear to leave my friends behind and study overseas. But all my closest ones are busy with their own life. I feel neglected at times, but I choose not to bother them.

Does it matter when I'm not there? hmm..

I sound so insecure and weak, but friendship and relationship matters so much to me. It strains me when I cant feel them around me.

Shall stop here.

2008-01-29T20:35:00.000-08:00

As I was reading through my past, recorded vividly in my previous entries I was pleasantly surprised by how much I've changed and well, of course my ability to write. Heh.

In this journey of life I've been through heaven and hell, through green pastures and dark valleys. God did not let me down or give up on me. People come, people go, just like commuters in the train. However, not many left footprints behind.

I'm thankful for who I am now, albeit being far from perfect.

In the midst of reflecting, one truth dawned upon me. When you hold something captive, God will never be able to bestow you anything better. Many a time you are left battered and bruised from wrestling with God. But will you pesevere until you are blessed?

Sighs. This hurts. Really does. But I'd sink deeper if I don't do anything now.

My prayer is this. Forgive me my iniquities. Soften the rock that has replaced my heart. Open my eyes to the work of your hands.

2008-01-28T17:19:00.000-08:00

At times I really envy those who've found their better half, when you see the after glow on their faces and the joy they exuberate.

But I have to question myself. Why do I need a girlfriend now? Companionship? A sense of belonging? Or just plain insecurity. Maybe I just need to prove that I still have some charm left in me.

Whenever I speak of this issue to my closer camaraderie, they just pull it off by saying "in God's own timing " or, "you're too young" . I'd simply shrug my shoulders and say, "oh well."

Perhaps there is wisdom in those answers. I just have to ponder on it.

I don't want to sound too noble, but I believe in giving the best of myself to my future girlfriend. Thus, a raw diamond ore needs to be polished and refined before it's dazzling and stunning to behold.

This is me, a soon to be 20 year old guy on his short-sighted (superficial) views on what true love is.

5 years down the road, I'd just read this entry again and have a good laugh.

Chew on it!

2008-01-27T05:14:00.000-08:00

Lesson learned - Guard your own heart more. =)

11 more days in Pulley Ascent. I doubt I'd be missing the company. I'm looking forward to freedom!

In everything, believe that God will pull you through, because He definitely will. I'm not at peace when there is turmoil in the lives of the people close to me. Somehow, I'd be affected.

Recently I've been struggling with the issue of peace and contentment. In this year of Sabbath(rest), I'm facing more trouble than rest & more challenges that stretches me.

I'm thankful that I have the special few of you that I'm closer to now. Jon, Sh and Cheryl. =) I will cherish and protect you all.

1 corinthian 13: 4-8

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

2008-01-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

Let bygones be bygones. I may be slower to blossom in dance but I still believe I will see my dream of being an instructor come true someday. Let my passion carry me through. =)

3 more weeks and everything will end. These are some things I wanna achieve before my NS.

Intensive dance
My driving license
Learn french
exercise more

God will instruct my ways.

2008-01-23T05:54:00.000-08:00

You don't win every battle in your life. At times you need courage to advance.
At times you need humility to retreat and withdraw.

拿得起就要放得下, 萧洒一点.

Pray more.

2008-01-22T07:15:00.000-08:00

I'm so thankful that this week will be a fast one. Words cannot describe how tired my spirit is.

I can be physically well but spiritually lethargic.

There was a boy who had faith to move a mountain.
Like a child he believed without reason.
Without a trace he disappeared into the void,
and I've been searching for that missing person.

I want that boy back. Where have you been all these while?

I just need a hug now.

2008-01-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

Today is tuesday! I want to give thanks because.......................... IT'S NOT MONDAY!
(That was such a weak attempt to crack a joke)

Anyways, Im under stress because I have to churn a weekly report every week and my reporting skills are in desperate need of polishing. Please pray for me that God will help me end this torturous project by latest this week.

It has robbed me of my free time and my sense of humor. Heh.
On the other hand, Im now slightly more merticulous and responsible. Albeit all these, it's still a hefty tradeoff.

14 1/2 more days, excluding the weekends till my well deserved rest! Gosh I have not enjoyed any holidays since Sept 2007.

C.S. Lewis:
Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone.

2008-01-20T04:57:00.000-08:00

Today's Funka was bittersweet. Its a survival of the fittest contest.

I know you have no regrets because you did your best. Sorry I couldnt do much when you were down. I wanna say I'm still very proud of you.

There's only so much I can do. Let me just dedicate this song to you. =)

Even if I cant restore that smile Im sure God can.

"I Promise" - Stacie Orrico

Will I always be there for you?
When you need someone, Will I be that one you need?
Will I do all my best to, to protect you?
When the tears get near your eyes
Will I be the one that's by your side?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promiseI promise I will

Will I take tender care of you?
Take your darkest night and make it bright for you
Will I be there to make you strong and to lean on?
When this world has turned so cold
Will I be the one that's there to hold?
Will I be there when you call me in the middle of the night?
Will I keep the rain from falling down into your life?
I promise, I promiseI promise I will

2008-01-18T06:01:00.000-08:00

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I have a damn report to do. The life of a project manager.

ok. end of whining.

I need to take my mind off these shit. I need to dance.

2008-01-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

There's only 2 passion in my life. People and dance. I almost gave up dance earlier in 2007, cause I was moving no where.

Now I know I really cant live without dancing. =D

Im not in control of my life. The level of uncertainty is killing me. The wants and needs are limitless.

"The Lord is my sheperd. I shall not be in want."

Just dance.

you've danced really well. =) and I'm happy to see you today.

2008-01-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to feel directionless and lonely. It grips me at times when I'm mentally drained and I'm just like a walking corpse.

When negative thoughts invade my mind, I pray that God will be there to save me.

I need to find my joy in the Lord.

2008-01-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

I've just been thinking through these days. I really thank God for keeping me faithful even in reading the psalms everyday. Knowing God's words keeps me save and protects my own heart when I'm about to sin.

Pleasing man will only lead to disappointment. Although it's true that we are our brother's keeper, we should not carry their burden for them.

Letting go to God a bit at a time, because I know it's impossible to just give myself wholly in one shot.

Thankful for His grace, love and mercy.

Work!

2008-01-10T07:29:00.000-08:00

You may plan and hope, but God may have something else in stored for you.

Sorry sweets, I really wanted to meet you today after dance. Oh wells.

I wonder. It's so terrifying to submit what you have to God. Especially things you love. I wonder if he really has something better to replace that.

Its even more unbelievable that He accepts all my fears and failures.

Anyway, Raggae was dope. I fell in love with it. Although there were like 30 girls and 2 guys. It was rather awkward initially. LOL.

Deep down, the child in me craves for someone to love me too...

2008-01-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

So take me as you find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

I give my life to follow

Everything that i believe in

Now i surrender

Im really inadequate. Like an infant, I try to walk on my own but I stumble so many times.
I pray that I'd be steadfast in my walk with God.

These are my few new year resolutions which I'd pen down on paper later.

Spend quiet time with God in the mornings
Learn to speak with wisdom
Rebuild those friendships which are now almost lost
Save some money
Attain my driving license
Dance more
Jogging, gym, swim routine to kick in after I finish my attachment.
Spend less time on dota

Those are practical ways to mould myself and really to prepare myself for NS.

Do keep me in check, and rebuke me when I'm doing the wrong things.

2008-01-08T17:21:00.000-08:00

I have so much to voice out yet I dun know where to start.

Well, I'm really blessed by these 2 friends who are willing to spend time, going out of their way so that we could meet together just for a couple of hours. Although we sat through the whole of "mission: sex control" , I still enjoyed their company.

It's difficult not to have doubts and thoughts are ardrous to tame. But I want to lift all my worries to God, knowing that He will take care of them.

When you really cherish someone, you cant hold them too tightly. They might just suffocate. Hold them with open arms. That's the right way to love them. You know I'm always here when you need me ya? -you're missed.

Work work work. Let me do my best for God and may God's peace guard my heart.

2007-12-31T19:01:00.000-08:00

Today's entry will be the highlights of 2007, as much as my brain recalls.

I started off my final studying sem in april, and had a really rough start. God placed me in a situation where I was desperate, and uncomfortable. I had difficult project team mates and working with them upsets me terribly. But, God pulled me through, when I felt so suffocated and helpless.

My 3 best friends went into different stages of their life. One into university, one enlisted into our army and well, the other attached. 2007 was a trying year for my relationships, be it in my spiritual family, my real family, friends and loved ones. Victory over this area came with a hefty price. I was like a hurdle jumper. Only the hurdles were seemingly impossible.

I grew stronger, more independent and a lil wiser in the ways of life. I felt so empty and lost at certain junctures. I just couldnt find joy in me and my heart slowly grew callused. It was akin fighting the war alone. It gets bleak in the game of survival.

In the next season, I entered into my Final Year project. I enjoyed myself in this process, albeit the minor hiccups. Im glad I've met a mentor and friend I really look up to. (Mr. Wong! Who is a christian too!)

Now comes the most exciting part of 2007. I praise God for Cheryl, who really was there to listen to me and the one who gets excited easily and whose disposition is so sunny. In every season we meet different people. Im contented, for I've met you!

To my 3 angels: Caleb, Thia, Yi. Although I believe 2007 was full of trials for us, I thank God that everything is over and done with now. Let us bless the Lord in times of jubilee and praise his name in times of trials. We've definitely been stretched (almost beyond our limits). haha.. But let us stand strong in 2008.

In 2008, the year of rest, I know for sure that more storms will come our way.

For me personally, it's

1. The registration and results for University education. I need to trust God, and place my stakes on Him. My future depends on God!

2. The final 6 weeks of attachment. I pray that I'd be a candle that shines, even if I cannot become a beacon.

3. NATIONAL SERVICE! I know this will drastically alter my life.

4. My family and relationships. This has always been a stronghold in my life, because I hold them too tightly sometimes.

Let me live to give you glory, breathe to give you praise, cos I know I dun deserve your grace, yet you have given it so freely.

Goodbye to 2007, and embrace 2008!

2007-12-27T05:09:00.000-08:00

I've received the best gifts I could ever get this year. I say this not out of impulse or some warm and fuzzy feeling.

This is straight out of my heart. I truly thank God for someone like you. It's not easy for me to really remove the fortress guarding myself. I have so many facades, when I meet different people.

Joy exuberates from the inside out.

Small encouragements are like glimpses of sunshine piercing through the dawn. It brings hope, and warms the soul.

I don't need fancy words to describe how thankful I am.
Thus you have my promise that whatever may come, in any season of life, I'd treasure you.

2007-12-25T05:58:00.000-08:00

I had a merry christmas indeed. Being someone who's love language is quality time, i enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Thanks to the 4 of you =).

I've cleared many skeletons in my closet this year, along side with the shackles of life. I've had my fair share of ups and downs, and people come and go.

Dun be afraid to love because of getting hurt. Dun be afraid to give yourself away because of fear. That's what I really learned this year.

I want to give myself away freely, to treasure those close to me, and learn to be faithful, even to the smallest things.

I dun want the imitations of my heart's desires from what sin has to offer. I want to heed the soft voice that calls out to me. Seek for things that last, and not temporary satisfaction. I pray that even as I celebrate God's birthday He will be enthroned in my heart.

As for the people that treasure me I truly thank God for you, for your affirmations daily. I don't know how I'd survive without daily encouragements and words of love. I thank those who constantly make me feel loved by asking me out, spending quality time with me and just withstanding all of my nonsense.

I know I'm not an easy person to love. Proud, unworthy and sometimes irritating. Thank you, for accepting me and correcting me when I need it.

Built to last.

2007-12-24T08:46:00.000-08:00

Today was an eventful day.

I woke up from 4 hours of sleep and literally dragged myself to work. When I think back, I think I'm the most blessed out of all my classmates. I complained so much when I first stepped into the company.

God's plans are really amazing, even when I was not faithful enough to pray about it.

What does it mean to be a true man? Deep down in me the little boy who longs to love and be loved wants to grow up and be a man of God. I pray that I'd find the true definition in God, and not follow what the world depicts.

Thank God for mike. I know, when my heart is open and tender I'd learn so much from him. =)

2007-12-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

I finally got time and energy to update my blog.

First and foremost, a sincere hellos.

Its drawing near to christmas, a season of love and giving.

I'm just so tired at times.

Thank God for angels. =) you know who you are.

2007-12-09T09:01:00.000-08:00

I guess people really change as time passes. To be truthful, i really used to cherish and love my 3 angels. Now it seems that it has become passe. It has faded to just memories.

It really bugs me sometimes, but I reckon everyone is used to this lifestyle, without one another. What happened to forever and ever?

I hope I can give thanks even in my worst circumstances.

2007-12-03T03:46:00.000-08:00

I am really down. Like in the dumps.

The road to follow God is strifed with hurdles. Why do I feel so suffocated, especially with my parents. They are like mules with ear plugs. Stubborn, and I can't get anything into their gray matter.

This explains why I dun really adore my home.

I hope, I really hope God can change this situation for the better.

The only way to fill the void and lonliness is to let God's love flow into your life.
I long for things that truly last. Really really long for it.

2007-11-30T06:18:00.000-08:00

Gosh it's already friday. 5 days have passed since I've started my internship. It has been rather eventful actually. I learned to be more mindful, especially when it comes to instructions, and pay more attention to details.

Thank God for this job. I hope I'd still enjoy it in the days to come.

I went for the house workshop today. Though I wasnt exactly the best there, I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Dance is well, exhausting. Concentrates on the footwork and the groove mainly. I'm loving it! Gonna practise the basics! JK! you got partner alr.. lol

Showering love without any expectations is difficult. However, when you've achieved it, loving someone is actually so much easier.

2007-11-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

Work has still been managable I guess. The real calling starts tomorrow!

Time slips like quicksand in an hourglass.

Anyway, Im thankful for having my attachment in this period.

Below are the few holidays I'd enjoy.

KL bonding trip - Dec 7,8(fri)
Christmas - Dec 25 (tues)
New Year 2008 - Jan 1(tues)
CMPB checkup - Jan 31(thurs)
Chinese new year - Feb 6-10(weds to sunday)

last paper tmr, please really do put in your best. I'd be praying for u =)

2007-11-26T04:28:00.000-08:00

I have a few things to rant about today. Work, attitude towards life, and someone.

Work was.. absolutely draining. I woke up at 630, met zhen long on the train at 730, and packed my ass into 91 and I almost got lost on my way to work.

It started out fine, but the information that was being fed was overwhelming. I was struggling to keep myself awake while working. I caught mini naps like 10 seconds every now and then.

The food at the canteen sucks. Sucks better than a vaccum cleaner. *suck suck*

Albeit all that, the staff there is not too bad.

Mike showed me a video abt the guy without limbs yesterday. He is a living testimony of a miracle. When it comes to serving, it's about the heart. When my heart is right for God, I believe he can use me in any way he wants. I pray that I'd be someone who shines for Jesus in every aspect of my life.

Thanks for being there when I needed someone. You're like hot chocolate in winter, chicken soup when I'm sick. In the same way, I'd be there, whenever and whenever. Better mug harder. Dun be a lazy ass.

When its all said and done.

2007-11-24T02:35:00.000-08:00

Everything is going so wrong. If I had known that my tuition kid is going for a tour at 12 I'd have gone for tuition earlier.

Shit always happen in a package.

I need angels to shine a lil light into my life now.

This sucks. Really sucks.